Thrusday Thanks – Steve

This has been one heck of an emotional week! I have spent more time, fighting back tears either from joy or pain, I have prayed more moments of each day than I have in years and I have been reminded of life’s fragility over and over again.

As I’ve mentioned a few times this week, Saturday marked my oldest’s Senior Prom. I have been trying to prepare for this day the last few years, but it doesn’t really hit you until it hits you. My girlfriend told me as we dropped the kids off, you know babe this is the start of the downhill? We’ve got a few more things but after today, our kids are done with school. I realized she was right and as we pulled away from the venue my tears blinded me. The upwelling of pride, and fear, and loss mingled together in one big lump of heartbreak in my chest. I don’t know how to describe it, maybe for some of you that have experienced this can tell me what it really is, it seams every time I turn around with her recently (aside from wanting to throttle her) there’s some activity that takes her closer to graduation day and me into a small puddle of goo. And every time Steve is there, holding my hand and smiling.

Then Sunday, Steve’s best friend sent us an unthinkable text, he apologized for being distant but there had been a lot going on, He and his wife were going into the hospital tomorrow, they had found 2 masses next to her ovaries, the doctors were pretty sure it was cancer and they were going to go in and run some tests. She is 26 years old! Monday dawned with another text – yes it was Cancer they had to remove her “lady parts” and part of her colon. She would be on hormones for the next few decades and she would start chemo within a few weeks. Steve and I both reeled from this news, again pain and fear at the forefront of our minds. His best friend has been practicing being a dad since he first met Frannie. From the time he met his wife, all he could talk about was marrying her and having the most beautiful children with her – at least two and hopefully a little girl to spoil. I know this sounds callous in comparison to the larger picture and I promise I’ll get there, I am just floored that a man that so desperately wanted and someone that was so right for being a father no faces this crossroad, in stark contrast to me and my ex-husband that didn’t know if we ever really wanted kids or that we’d be any good at it, I can’t get past the unfairness. And that’s really the crux of this issue, it’s so totally and completely unfair on all sides. She is 26 years old, she is far to young to think about chemo and hairloss, and hormone therapy, then there’s the loss of carrying her own children, something I know she was looking forward to doing. And the unthinkable that I refuse to discuss, these are things they should not have to endure. And then the tears start again, Monday night Steve and I sat in the car together and cried.

Yesterday morning, he called me early – I’m always worried when the phone rings before 6am and it’s him – really anyone, but more so with him. He’s a little clumsy and his job can be dangerous, so any deviation from our normal routine has me jumpy. This call though was to tell me his bosses wife was in labor, I could hear the smile on his face though the phone as he relayed the conversation with the first time expectant father. He was running out of the jobsite, making sure Steve would have everything covered for a few days and while the baby was coming a little earlier than they were ready for he was really excited to meet his son. I chuckled while he told me this, ” did you tell him it was probably going to be a while?” “yes” he answered ” I told him not to rush, it would probably take a bit, and to enjoy that last drive of freedom, because everything changes after this” Throughout the day I would get updates, and finally as I was driving home I got a picture of a very fresh and squished face baby boy starting toward the camera, then one with mom and baby together after he was “freshly hatched”. 6lbs 5oz, 19 inches long and aside from a little oxygen to get his lungs going (he was 4 weeks early) he was fit as a fiddle. When I pulled in the driveway I could hear Steve congratulating his boss on the phone, and telling him how rough of a week it had been and this little bit of good news was just what we needed. As he got off the phone he came up to the car wrapped his arms around me and kissed me.

Today I wanted to send just a little bit and thanks and loving to my husband, and really all husbands. The 3 in this blog alone are good strong men that are at crossroads in their lives and I know they will all stand tall, and the road will rise up to meet them.

what are you thankful for today?

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2 Comments

  1. What a gamut of emotions. I dread the day my boys leave the nest, no matter how much I complain about being too busy now. It’ll happen, and soon enough. My goodness, 26 years old and to have to deal with cancer. I hope that she recovers and enjoys her life to the fullest. I guess that I don’t take enough time out of my day to really understand how grateful I should be. Thank you for sharing this with us.

    Take care,

    Rob

    Like

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